Thwarted Plans! Aarrghh!

Another death in the family and this time it’s got me thinking about creating life…

Before I get ahead of myself, I had awesome plans for Sunday- to blog, get some of my head space cleared out, and go for a much-needed driving lesson… all of which got thwarted when my sister came home with my almost 3-year-old nephew and 3-month-old niece…

Me TimeI love seeing them- I love them to bits!! It’s inexpressible!

What I wasn’t prepared for nor was I asked- was babysitting. I love spending time with them… ‘cause they grow so quickly! I was thrown off because I made plans for my day, the one day I like to use for just me and my blogs and my head space… and I couldn’t do what I wanted to because my sister had shopping to do… I was left feeling like my life and who I am was totally disrespected and disregarded. It hurt.

Anywho… I am used to having either one of the two to babysit. Both of them together is something not even my own sister can handle because the one needs constant attention if she isn’t sleeping and the other is high energy most of the time… but I had mum at home for most of the day so it wasn’t too bad…

Babysitting OverwhelmSunday night a family member past way… Monday I was left alone, most of the day, with the 2 kids… Tuesday (today) was like a half day and I had my mum with me for the most of it…

I have always noticed that kids can very easily pick up on the moods/vibes of the people around them… and they are most sensitive to the vibes/moods of their parents… My niece, usually easy to settle didn’t want to be put down at all. My nephew asked about his dad for most of the day and was the most restless I have ever seen him!

Now it was probably my vibes that they were picking up because I felt so overwhelmed with having to give two kids the attention they need and want <and they probably didn’t want it from me… >

My SweetHearts!(My nephew has had to start living with sharing his parents with his sister… And it’s been tough for him. I know it has. I’ve seen how he misses his mum and dad… And my niece is day in and day out with my sister, I’m sure she must have felt “left behind” this past 3 days because she was with me day and night.)

Now the point of this post! I have NO patience when it comes to kids!! OMG! I haven’t ever shouted at my nephew the way I did this past 3 days and even my tiny niece hasn’t been safe from my hot temper. I swear I felt like a fire-breathing monster aunt shouting at two of the most innocent little lives… I felt like the worst possible excuse for an aunt. It is not what I ever want to be like!

I was in tears eventually… I have always thought of myself as a cool aunt, as an aunt that my nieces and nephews can look up to… And Monday… Wow. I felt like I am nothing like what an aunt should be! I felt like a failure.

And I’m beginning to doubt if I ever want to have kids… If that’s the person I’m going to be to them, there is no way I want to be mother…

life's lessonsMy lessons: (Yes, I’m crazy! I even learnt lessons from all this!)

  • I have yet to master the art of flexibility.
  • I am a great aunt! –a very human one.
  • Letting go is all it takes to be in flow with the present moment.
  • Feelings of Failure are the easiest to give into. It takes courage to look at the “failure” and decide that you are bigger than that! To know that you are bigger than that!
  • I know how I don’t want to raise my kids. (yes I’m still contemplating actually having them) I don’t mean to put down how my sister raises her children, I just know that I don’t want to leave my kids starving for my attention…  There are so many people out there that plan how they really want things… they do what they love, earn great money and have heaps of time for their children. There is nothing that stops me from doing the same!
  • I also learnt to love that which isn’t what I want… it just makes what I do want so much clearer in my mind!

I may not be ready to “create” life… I know one day I will be.

(Pics Courtesy: Pic 1- theworstmother.wordpress.com ; Pic 2- images.businessweek.com ; Pic 3- My own ; Pic 4- raiderathletics.blogspot.com )

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