Puzzles pieces… All found!

BreakthroughThis blog has been floating around in my head for a while… I had a bit of a breakthrough/Aha moment a couple of weeks ago and it was so refreshing to finally get the fullness of what I felt might have been lingering in bits and pieces in the recesses of my mind for a very long time…

I owe this breakthrough to Didi over at My Adventures and Learnings in Sweden on YIP as after reading her blog it hit me! The scattered pieces of my mind fell into place and I finally understood what life has been trying to teach me for 3 years!

I wrote a blog/story a while ago, Unreciprocated Like, this breakthrough relates to that story…

I wanted to know and learn what life was trying to teach me, through a relationship with a guy, which just never really happened the way I would have at the time liked. (Of course now I’m glad that the relationship didn’t grow into something more as I have different perspectives- I’ll get to that too!)

“Women are in control of that department – that of Love. I’m not sure how true that is. These days I have been going back and forth on the reality of who is actually in charge and more and more increasingly I am leaning towards believing that men control it all. They chase us. They decide if they want us or not and then only then do we decide if we want them. I know that “times have changed” and women can now do the chasing, but I still think men hold a lot of the power leading up to the crux – commitment and agreements that hold you 2 together.”

Who decides?

When I read the above it just clicked!

In the whole relationship with my friend it was always in his hands as to whether we would ever become more than just friends or not… At one stage he wanted a relationship yet it never happened ‘cause we spoke of it once but then never again… and I didn’t bring it up in fear that it would ruin the friendship we had. The control of the entire relationship was completely in his hands. If he wanted a relationship, then we would’ve had one. As he didn’t want one, we never did.

Cause & EffectWhen I read Didi’s blog, I realised what the challenge was. When things are as I’ve described above i.e. when the relationship is defined by one person in the relationship, than all your personal power is given to the other person… very disempowering way of having a relationship. You move from being the creator of your reality to being at the effect of everything happens- much like a victim, a victim of the other persons wants and needs… What you want/need is irrelevant. It is also very imbalanced. Sometimes one is dominant and the other is passive= that flows. When one is constantly dominant it creates unbalance and eventually the passive wants to ‘break free’.

As I was in a friendship that was like this, I don’t really think people realise that this is what is going on between them… It’s an unconscious thing that happens and I don’t really know why. Is it society that has programmed us to expect that all advances in any relationship be initiated by the man and that the woman shall wait for it to happen or not happen?

Create your realityAs far as I know, the ability to create what I most want in my life is in my own hands. Not in any one else’s- even when I’m sitting about waiting for the other person to decide how much I mean to him- it’s my choice to wait.

That’s what my big lesson was in that whole relationship, that I have 100% control over what I create, not only in my life but in my relationships too.

If I want something different than my current experience in a relationship than I should create it, nothing stops me but myself. And if the other person doesn’t want the same thing, well than it’s either a compromise or it’s a realisation that we want different things, and it would be pointless staying together when we can’t be there for the other in the way that is important to them.  If I learnt this lesson earlier I wouldn’t have waited 3 years for a guy who just didn’t want more, even though at times it felt like he did.

WaitingWell I had a lesson to learn and well it has been learnt! (I must’ve asked myself a million and one times what the lesson was so that I could learn it and leave that relationship behind, because some part of me just didn’t feel that it was for me)

Ever feel like sometimes no matter how much you know a person there still seems to be a missing piece to their puzzle? I found a missing piece the other day! And now the full picture is so clear! Everything happens (or doesn’t happen) for a reason!

I now have different perspectives on that friendship… because he had said to me that his heart is a stone and would never change… I have always felt that I was never quite “let in” to know him completely. And when he said the above I understood why I felt that way… There is a walled up heart there.

Stone heart walled upAnd I guess I’m now double grateful that we never became more than friends because if we had, I’d have spent all my energy trying to melt walls that just weren’t ready to be gone. I believe that when he is ready for those walls to be gone they will be…

So on to better relationships where none of my personal power is given away but I am creating just what I’d like every step of the way…

Are you and your partner both creating what you most want in your relationship? Or does either one of you hold all the reins? Are you happy? Do you feel like your relationship is what you have always wanted? If it isn’t, you are the creator of your reality, make it what you want it to be!

Live your dreams, not just your life!

(Pics Courtesy: Pic 1- meship.com ; Pic 2- toonpool.com ; Pic 3- classofmack.blogspot.com ; Pic 4- spiritwomen.blogspot.com ; Pic 5- sodahead.com ; Pic 6- dreamstime.com )


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Didi
    Dec 27, 2011 @ 19:41:28

    Shilpa! My goodness, I am sitting in my friends apartment in Copenhagen and I just sat down to find this here. I am honoured that you found something worthy of somewhat of a lightbulb moment in your path on this life.

    Your glorious life…

    The entire way through this post, my heart was smiling and head nodding at all that it contained. You touch on SOOoo many topics and aspects of high importance. You are beautiful and enlightened and unconsciously and contagiously enlighten others.

    I’ve recently started exploring a certain new relationship that is happily skipping along a wall, during this ongoing exploration I’ve realised that hopping over into either side of the wall may result in either a committed relationship (on one side) or a friendship (on the other). And more and more I come to the awakening of how much control I actually possess over what transpires.

    So, my dear Shilpa,

    You are right, we both hold the reins in the relationships we are a part of, and although (due to unequal enjoyment or desire for being in a certain kind of relationship) we are the Kings and Queens of our hearts, thoughts, actions. (With a sprinkling of some divine goodness that wants the richest from our experiences from being on this here earth)…

    Again I am honoured to even have been mentioned on this spot of light you have created.

    Here’s a song I’m listening to that is just beautiful and hope you enjoy equally as much http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm5iXuYcAkA


    • Shil Rani
      Dec 28, 2011 @ 11:33:20

      Aw.. you are so sweet! Thank you Didi! For the comments and for the Aha I had!
      I’m glad you are able to see that you have control over what transpires, and that now life can be more of what you want! Hugs!
      You write so beautifully, you described it so awesomely above- That we are the kings and queens of it all!

      Much Love!


  2. potatosandwich
    Dec 29, 2011 @ 23:15:12

    Hi Shilpa,

    I once attended a wedding and during the religious ceremony, some of the more experienced individuals were asked to come on stage and say a few words of wisdom to the new couple. Now previous experience taught us that these “Speeches” normally last forever but this chap stepped onto the stage and said.
    “Beta, I am going to keep this very short, just three words for you both”. The couple looked on in anticipation..”Compromise, Compromise, Compromise. Thank You”.

    Best advice I had ever heard. It’s an old cliché but it takes “two to tango”, a relationship is based on “give and take”. The reason why in this day and age you hear so many horror stories about relationships going sour is because couples are at loggerheads. A compromise is achieved when one steps down and just accepts a situation, even when they are right, this goes for both men and women, that’s how it worked back then and it was a formula for success, don’t care what anyone else says. Nothing has changed today, we just think we are more clever then our parents, know it all. I fear for relationships in the future, what will they look like?


    • Shil Rani
      Jan 04, 2012 @ 13:21:51

      I totally agree with you! Compromise. Couples tend to be individuals- even in their relationships. They are obstinate on their own points of view and refuse to either meet half way or even look at the other persons point of view. Kind of a very selfish way of relating.
      I think a compromise comes more from both people being open to what the other is saying and feeling and talking about what each really wants. communication is key. People need to be able to express themselves as well as listen. I think it is also really important to have your individual values talked about and then to create one set of values for the relationship. It is good to be bonded in the bigger picture of life so that when it comes to day to day relating its easier to be open to each other.
      As for the relationships of the future- I think that there will always be people who are relating in crappy ways and there will be people who know themselves enough to be open to another person without feeling threatened.


  3. Trackback: Unseeing the seen… « Shilpa Creates !

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