Pointless…

First loveIts this need, this want, this craving deep within… to be held close… to be treasured, to be thee important part of someone elses life….

To be loved.

To love.

During the months that my ex and I broke up for the 1st time (we got back together and broke up again) I had this feeling that maybe it would have been better to have never had that relationship- not because I was so distraught that it ended, but because it made me feel so so good…

For the first time in all my life I meant something to someone for no other reason than the choice to be given that meaning, to be given that space in a heart and life. It wasn’t because I was a daughter or sister or friend… I was chosen to be in a heart and life the way no one else was.

turn back timeThis feeling of knowing how it all felt had been awoken in me- and so when it ended, I knew just what I no longer had in my life… It was then, that I wished so bad to turn back the hands of time to when I didn’t know what it really meant to mean so much to an almost stranger (stranger in comparison to the rest of the people in my life). I wanted to be innocent again and not know how it felt to be held close, or treasured, or loved. Somehow, when I didn’t know, it was easier to live without it. After knowing it all and then not living with it, was a torture I just about survived through.

Look up in times like theseThen of course we got back together and well, things went from bad to worse and it just never felt like it did before… Kind of made me wonder if I had imagined it all…

That’s as far as I got. My thought just kind of ends there. I don’t know what my point is or why I had thought of this now… I just started typing and voila… (yes- I know, I learnt a lot from that relationship etc, etc and I am grateful to have had it too!)

Guess I’m just missing that feeling today…

(pics courtesy: Pic 1- hdipadwallpaper.com ; Pic 2- deborahkingcenter.com ; pic 3- mine)

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Yatin
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 17:53:46

    Life doesn’t some as perfect, and we don’t have to make ourselves miserable to make it one. Often it’s the perception one creates of living one. Life’s beautiful in all shades of emotions. Satisfaction is a key to happiness. And happiness is one single thing that makes life perfect. No matter what situation you are in, what you have and what you are, as long as you find a way to keep yourself happy, you are living a perfect life.

    Reply

  2. Lisa Marie
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 18:49:54

    Relationships are tough. They really teach us about ourselves and force us to stretch and grow unlike anything else. It sounds like you have opened a part of yourself you didn’t know existed. That’s great and I hear your pain and heartache that things didn’t work out like you expected. The good news is, this pain is merely a growing pain and will make you stronger in the end. Now I bet you have a clearer idea of what and don’t want in a relationship. Turn to your friends for support and keep feeling your feelings. This too shall pass.
    Sisterly love,
    Lisa

    Reply

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