Run Away….!

The dish ran away with the spoonI’ve felt this feeling many times in life- I think many people feel it often… but there was only one time in my life that I have felt it as strongly as I feel it now.

The feeling of relief and freedom that comes with the thought of running away…

The first time my ex broke up with me I wanted to escape… to run away… to be somewhere where I didn’t have to associate with the people who didn’t in any way help what I was going through- and of course I wanted to be as far away from the one guy that broke my heart like it really meant nothing to him.

Zombie life. Autopilot.For 8 months after we broke up, I lived my life like a zombie… I lived as though I was on autopilot, doing what I had to do, to get through living… ‘cause taking my life wasn’t an option for me, thank God that by then, I had a good and strong faith in Him. Though the days were grey, I rarely saw happiness in anything and fun was always tainted with the sadness that sat on my heart. It passed by in a blur… I barely remember those months and the few years after.

I wanted to run away. And I actually got to run away from it all when I took a gap year to Australia. “Wherever you go, there shall you be”, and it was true. I left everything behind me but I carried it all within me half way across the world too.

Changing timeI did heaps of self development in that gap year and I found that my happiness lies in me and my choices. I also did heaps of crying, forgiving letting go of everything that I was holding on to so deeply… Not just the stuff I had with my ex…

I came back feeling free and alive and all it was, was a change in mindset and perspective. From negative to positive.

And today I find myself with the same feeling of escape that brought me relief and freedom before.

MumOnly this time I want to run away from it all because on the one end I have a 66 year old mother who is looking after an almost 1 year old niece and will not concede that she is incapable of looking after her…. and at the other end I have a sister who is unwilling to realise/see/accept that my mother is not capable of this task.

My mother is in the time in her difficult life where all she should be doing is relaxing and taking up the hobbies that most interest her. Instead she is putting her health on the line- (reflexologist says that she is knotted up from neck to toe and should be relaxing) and looking after her grandchild.

Stubborn?And get this- my mum says she is fine, she is capable and she will continue. (I was there when the reflexologist massaged her- I was there as she squirmed and laughed because if she didn’t laugh she’d have cried from the pain she was in… I had tears in my eyes watching her squirm)

I had a fight with my mother because she refused to stop being a mother to her grand daughter… And I was upset mostly because it hurt me to see her get frustrated and exhausted every day when she really didn’t have to be. She still looks after my niece.

My mum told me to butt out and leave things be. So I did. I told my sister about what the reflexologist said and I left them both to make their own choices.

This whole situation makes me want to run away… Because neither can I change the choices of anyone nor can I watch my mum practically raise another child at the age of 66.

Who knows…?  Maybe it’s only me that perceives my mum as incapable of this. Maybe all I need to get over is myself.

Lessons to learnI don’t know yet what lesson this is meant to bring to me…. :
Unconditional love for people who hurt?
Forgiveness to people who are not who I thought they were?

Acceptance of things I cannot change?

Detachment from this world?

Letting go of my idea of what life should look like for others?

Release of my want to control the lives of others?

My perception is not always the truth for others…?

Stop judging the choices of others?

Be kind no matter what?

Whatever it is… The thought of being far away to not live and experience my mum in pain, or my sisters ignorance to it, still seems like a beautiful freeing idea.

Ignorance is bliss…

(Pics Courtesy of: Pic 1- ; Pic 2- ; Pic 3- ; Pic 4- Mine. ; Pic 5- ; Pic 6- )


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Finding Inner Balance… A mindset. « Shilpa Creates !

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