The Wish To Do More

Wish-DoWishes are strange things. It oft times comes with a sense of helplessness. We know on some level that what we are wishing for may never be. I guess that’s where the distinction comes between these wishes/dreams and goals- where a goal is defined as a wish/dream with a plan and a deadline.

But I have a wish and I cannot see any step to making it happen. There seems to be no pathway to getting closer to wish fulfillment.

What do you do in that instance? What can I do?

GranMy granny (not by blood but by our relationship since I was born) is the most amazing person I have met. She has a heart of gold and will go out of her way to make someone else happy. She is the main reason I am who I am today. She grew me up while my mum went to work to bring some income into the home. She has guided me from wrongs into rights. She gave me morals and values and she was always there. In every aspect she is a beautiful person- inside and out.

And now she can no longer live in her own home. She has lived in her own house all her life- from childhood in her parents’ home to when she got married and went to her husband’s home. A home she could always call her own.

Now in old age she faces the reality of leaving her home and in her own words, feeling “stateless”. Like a refugee among every single person that loves her so.

LonlinessShe also did not leave her home on a good note. And she carries guilt for something she would never think about- let alone do. In many ways she feels that she may have somehow been wrong.
The rest of us- all her other family, after looking at all the facts and the knowledge we have about her, believe that she is not in any way wrong.

I have never had to leave my home without my own desire to do so. I don’t know nor can I fully imagine how she feels. She probably has feelings of; being a burden to her other children, doing something so wrong, lonely without her husband and being rejected.

My biggest wish- the biggest I have ever had, is to be able to do so much more. To take away the pain, to let her live with me (which she won’t because she has her own children who are most lovingly taking care of her), to make the healing go faster, anything.

Theres’ a few lines from a hindi song that resonates-

“Saari umra hum mar mar ke ji’liye, ab toh hum’me jee-ne doh, jee-ne doh.
Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance I wanna grow up once again.”

“I’ve lived my whole life- dying a little. At least now let me live.
‘Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance I wanna grow up once again.”

It’s such a frustrating and sore feeling of helplessness.

All that is within my ability is to be here for her, pray and hope for things to heal and life to pick up.



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Neena Rama
    Mar 25, 2015 @ 09:59:29

    Much is done by Loving her, and keeping her in your heart, and that is enough. Sometimes, life is, and we need to face it. There is always a bigger picture, a reason for everything… would not be without His grace. We all have our burdens to bear and an accounting to fulfill. Love and support mean so much at times like these. We have to believe that all that is, is for the good of all.

    And in our own way, feeling compassion also helps to heal……our wounds, her wounds…..if there is only One, then if we feel it, it is ours to process. And We are healed.


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