The Giant of my Life… has Fallen

It’s taken me months to get here. Writing this.
There have been many changes and unexpected events this year.

My dad is gone. He crossed over to the next dimension/ life in May this year. I saw him no longer living. I saw him going to be cremated. I didn’t think I would cry as much as I did. I didn’t think I would miss him as much as I do. I didn’t think he had such a huge space in my heart. I didn’t think.
All of this was right before I had exams. So I studied and passed my exams and went on with life. The next semester started with assignments due and I let myself be absorbed by work deadlines and projects.

May doesn’t feel so far away. It doesn’t feel like so many months since I last saw him. Life has most definitely changed and his non-presence creeps up on me from time to time. Like in the random moments when I realize that he isn’t sitting in his rocking chair or when it hits me that I now drive the car he spent most of his working days in. Every other moment is caught up with activity and thoughts of the next thing to be done. There is no real pause. Maybe if there were- I’d see just how much of him is not there. And I have no idea what I would do in that pause…

AngerDoesNothing

via Facebook

I got court married in September- not sure how my dad would have reacted to my decision to do so. But he wasn’t there to see his last daughter get married.
And he wasn’t there when I got my driving license.

And he won’t be there when we have our wedding day.
And he won’t be there when I graduate- hopefully next year.

He wasn’t here for Diwali (festival of lights) and as I sat in his car watching fireworks- it made me pause.. I missed him.

Then my spiritual guru came for a 2 day visit here. 2 days of unbounded grace, unconditional love and a really hard-hitting reality check. Death is where we will all be- its where we are all headed.

I am not sure why I would miss him at these big occasions- he never really was a part of my big moments. He was in the background almost.

Strange thing that death does. It stops highlighting the things that you don’t appreciate- the things you wish you could change and the type of person you wish the other would rather be. Instead it highlights the good times, traits and the valuable happy times you’ve had together.

And in the end that’s all you are left with. The knowledge that those type of moments will never again be. This person will never again be here- to say and do- to be exactly themselves. Never.

Keep Moving

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Neena Rama
    Dec 03, 2015 @ 10:36:23

    Big Hug ❤

    Reply

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